This is my story of continued health and recovery physically, mentally, and emotionally. This blog addition was posted to the Stoddard Family Blog in July 2017 and is a sharing of an email I sent to my former therapist, Heather Braley, who I had unexpectedly run into at my local Trader Joes while she was visiting family in northern California some time after her move.

July 31, 2017 (Heather is my former and highly trusted therapist who moved to Southern CA)

Dear Heather,

The reason I hadn’t sent this off to you yet is because I wanted to write a second postscript (which turns out to be a year later from the last one I wrote in the above blog). Your gentle email reminder makes today the time and place. I was so happy to see you recently at Trader Joe’s, Heather. You are as beautiful and wonderful as always. I hold you in the highest esteem and have the greatest love for you in my heart. You were this amazing gift to me when I was so broken. I will always be so grateful for the peace, safety, and positive influence you gifted me with.

When you moved to southern California, I was devastated. And the thought of starting again with a new therapist weighed heavy on my heart. Your counsel of doing face-to-face interviewing resulted in my seeing both a female therapist Dr. Brian Goldman recommended and then one of your three recommendations – DeBora Miller. I still didn’t trust my instincts at the time; therefore, the decision-making was frightening for me. And I was always comparing each therapist to you, with everyone (including others I spoke to on the phone or emailed) seeming to fall short.

But I did finally choose. I chose DeBora. You two are so different. From the space I would enter – yours, with this darling little therapeutic home, its speedy warming pot for weekly herbal tea, and especially its cozy corner where you contained all the hurt while providing a welcome and soothing hour of peace…

…Compared to DeBora’s – an older Auburn home remodeled into more than one office where I would sit in its foyer many times with other children and their parents…well, these two spaces were different. DeBora’s office is yellow-walled, with at times scents of something – maybe incense? and a special crystal designated for abundance. Not bad at all (I love the color yellow). Just different. I very quickly, however, found the room, and DeBora herself, providing me with a most welcome hour. It wasn’t always soothing (DeBora gently challenged me to work) but as it turns out, it was always worth it. I first rolled my eyes internally at the initial interview with DeBora when she spoke of her brand of therapy, which turned out to be a combination of talk therapy and “doing” therapy (my phrase and big, big eye-roll). Talk therapy was awesome (“It doesn’t belong to me. It’s moving through me.” OR “We forget that we are spirit having a human experience.” OR “Don’t look side to side, just look ahead where you are going.”– DeBora has beautiful wisdom).

“Doing” therapy, however, brought up much resistance. It took me a very long time to make space to sit mindfully 20 minutes a day in quiet solitude with no other agenda other than to check in with myself. DeBora had even (gently) challenged me to make it a two-time-a-day habit, but to date, once a day is what I make work. I love these 20 minutes.

We spoke of Louise Hay’s book, You Can Heal Your Life – ironically a book I owned, but before then, had never put into practice. I created a mantra from it, “I LOVE AND APPROVE OF MYSELF. I LIVE IN THE TOTALITY OF POSSIBILITY. THERE IS ALWAYS ANOTHER WAY. I AM SAFE. I NOW GO BEYOND ANY FEARS AND LIMITATIONS. I CREATE A NEW LIFE WITH NEW RULES THAT TOTALLY SUPPORT ME. I AM WILLING TO CHANGE.” I memorized it. Repeated it over, and over, and over, and over for minutes, days, weeks, and months while the other voices in my head shouted otherwise. About three months in, without ever truly believing anything would change, I noticed an ever so subtle transformation. What was this foreign feeling I remotely recognized? Could this possibly be a tinge of hope? Miracle!

DeBora spoke of juicing for Rick’s health, which as you read above, turned out to be a major turning point for me. I joined her recommended FMTV for its health documentaries. On a moment’s notice I could go to “Shalom” – a safe place she helped me create in my head. I filled out Tices logs; watched the Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead DVD; learned of Yoganandra; probiotics; treating myself to massage; the Float Back technique; Progressive Relaxation; Totems like the frog, swan, and porcupine; Bella Ruth Naperstek; the Three-Fold Breath; Thought Stopping; and EMDR to name a few. Some of these things have (drifted) through me and many have stuck for the better.

And now, almost a year from my last postscript, on today, Monday July 31, 2017, I am still off all depression medications. My thoughts continue steady and positive. I have increased energy and stamina. I have increased capacity. I feel both physically and mentally healthier than ever. Even most remarkable, I don’t technically need to see my psychiatrist, Dr. Goldman anymore – after all I’ve been off depression medication for what appears to be going on 2 years. And since May 2017 I have stopped officially seeing my beloved therapist, DeBora. This was her recommendation. “You are ready,” she essentially said. She re-assured me she will be there if I need her again but that I am healthy and able to go on my way.

Somewhere in all of this I have become solid.

The journey continues. I eat a whole-foods, plant-based diet. I graduated 3 days ago from the 3-month Forks over Knives plant-based cooking school through Rouxbe. I now make delicious, gourmet, vegan meals. I cook a big vegan meal for the missionaries once a month and invite other friends. Until she felt better, Rick and I walked an 8-ounce juice daily to a depressed friend. I am now her 3 children’s Penryn grandmother. We go on kids dates. Her husband brings me bags of fruit from their beautiful orchards. I bring vegan meals and juices to church members and those close to me for their health and well-being. I buy used juicers from second hand stores and sell (for 8-10 bucks) or give them to those interested. I go to visit family and teach juicing or create our own version of vegan cooking school.

I still attend the LDS Church and find solace, comfort, and joy there despite any doctrinal questions I still have. I don’t ignore the questions. I do believe strongly DeBora’s philosophy that, “It doesn’t really matter what the end product is. It matters what you bring to it.” This is true for church and the joy that I feel in serving. This is true for work where I still manage two jobs and navigate the, at-times, stressful whistle blowing of the tea kettle by using many of the techniques and all the miraculous changes I’ve made since 2011.

You, Heather, are a big part of these miraculous changes. You picked me up and steadied me onto solid ground. You also gave me DeBora who finished the job by helping make me solid. I owe you both my bounteous and beautiful life—one I now relish with joy and gratitude. It’s God’s gracious miracle. Indeed, I am so very grateful.

With all the love in my heart for you,

Jean