Below you will read a talk I gave at church April 26, 2015. In my journal I wrote, “Gave my first talk since I returned to church — a personal talk focusing on my depression and returning to church, but I think with a hopeful message about belief in Jesus and hope.”

I began by telling the congregation about Rick (my husband) and I living in Penryn, CA (I now live in Cedar Hills, Utah) for our 31 (now 35) years of marriage…about me inheriting 7 step-children…that we added three more… and that we are empty-nesters with 24 (now 28) grandchildren.

Then the main body of the talk begins:

“On an even more personal note many of you may not know that I carry a heavy burden by living on a weekly, daily, hourly basis with clinical depression. It’s the kind that Elder Jeffrey R. Holland spoke of during his October 2013 General Conference talk when he said, “When I speak of this, I am not speaking of bad hair days, tax deadlines, or other discouraging moments we all have. Everyone is going to be anxious or downhearted on occasion. The Book of Mormon says Ammon and his brethren were depressed at a very difficult time, and so can the rest of us be. But today I am speaking of something more serious, of an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person’s ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively – though I am a vigorous advocate of square shoulders and positive thinking! No, this dark night of the mind and spirit is more than mere discouragement.”

Clinical depression…in 2011 I was even hospitalized with it. For me in many ways depression has knocked me flat. I am, as the title to Elder Holland’s talk suggests, Like a Broken Vessel.

On another personal note, some of you might not know that I formally left the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints many years before– wrote a letter to Church Leaders in Salt Lake City and resigned my membership. I returned in 2012 though not strong, utterly frightened by my experience in the hospital, and humbled to my core. Again, October 2013 General Conference spoke to me in the form of President Dieter F. Uchtdorf whose talk “Come, Join with Us” touched my heart. He said, “The search for truth has led millions of people to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. However, there are some who leave the Church they once loved. One might ask, ‘If the gospel is so wonderful, why would anyone leave?’ Sometimes we assume it is because they have been offended or lazy or sinful. Actually, it is not that simple. In fact, there is not just one reason that applies to the variety of situations.”

There stood President Uchtdorf who gave no indication that leaving the church (which in my case had much to do with doubts) was some sort of lack on my part. I loved him for it. Clinical depression, struggles with doubts, faith or the lack of faith…these are some burdens I bear. My experience living with these burdens looks like:

First) I don’t really feel the spirit. The stirred feelings that you get enabling you to come up here and bear testimony or the inspired thoughts that come into your mind or heart to act upon or react to something…well, those things are so much harder for me to feel. Depression masks the spirit. That is why Jesus’s lament on the cross, “My God, My God, why hast Thou forsaken me?” (Mark 15:34) can feel like my own reality. And the child’s prayer-song, “Heavenly Father, are you really there?” rings true. So, what do I do? I borrow testimony from my family. I borrow Loomis 3^rd ward’s testimony. I borrow those of our church leaders including Jeffrey R. Holland’s. He told me, he told us, that we could during the April 2013 conference when he said, “What was once a tiny seed of belief for me has grown into the tree of life, so if your faith is a little tested in this or any season, I invite you to lean on mine.”

My 2^nd such experience living with these burdens is that reading the scriptures can be painful. Elder Holland speaks of, “faithfully pursuing the time-tested devotional practices that bring the Spirit of the Lord into your life.” And one such practice that typically comes to mind is reading the scriptures. But for me with depression it’s hard to hear many scriptural messages because they can be so firm, harsh, or even fearsome. Reading themes such as, “judging of your iniquities” or “falling into transgression” or “becoming ripe for destruction,” are hard to hear with depression. And I’m not saying that we aren’t to take them to mind and heart and learn from them. But somehow depression magnifies the pain of these themes. So, what do I do? I have been counseled by a kind former bishop and by two therapists to make a compilation of scriptures that are uplifting and reassuring for me. And it takes a while to find them. But they do exist such as, Matthew 11:28 “Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Or D&C 50:16 “I will be merciful unto you; he that is weak among you hereafter shall be made strong.” Or Psalms 55:4 “In God I will praise his word; in God I have put my trust.”

My 3^rd experience with depression, doubts, or faith is that there is very little I KNOW to be true. With exception, in the mental hospital there was something I did come to know for myself. That Satan is real. That there truly exists a dark side. That one can invite him in. And that knowledge terrifies me. I’m still suffering from that experience. But, in fact, it is what scared me straight. It brought me back to the only place I could think to go where there existed its opposite – Jesus Christ. And with that the only church I had experience in holding him up most prominently as my Savior and Redeemer.

Brothers and Sisters, I do hope and do believe that Jesus is the Christ – the son of the living God. Elder Holland has said, “belief is a precious word, an even more precious act, and he need never apologize for ‘only believing.’ Christ himself in Mark 5:36 said,” Be not afraid, only believe.” Alma, in Alma 32:27, said, “Even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you even until ye believe…” And Nephi in 2 Nephi 33:10 said, “… hearken unto these words and believe in Christ; and if ye believe not in these words believe in Christ. And if ye shall believe in Christ ye will believe in these words, for they are the words of Christ, and he hath given them unto me; and they teach all men that they should do good.”

On a more proactive note, my 4^th experience, especially as it relates to depression, is having done as Elder Holland suggests—sought the counsel of those who hold keys for my spiritual well-being like the bishop. I have asked for cherished priesthood blessings. I take the sacrament every week and hold fast to the perfecting promises of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I am reminded by him to not vote against the preciousness of life by ending it! Though I myself have wanted the pain to be over.

On a more remedial level I do take medication, prescribed by a valued psychiatrist and see weekly a trusted therapist who gives me careful and responsible counsel.

Brothers and sisters, (and I am borrowing from my therapist’s words) I have had crushing blows to my psyche. I’ve been to hell’s door and seen Satan. My eyes have been opened in a way I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I have been broken, harmed, have experienced the dark night of the soul. I’m still in it. It is still hard. The questions come, “Why me? How much more can I tolerate?”

But even then, I do realize that I am part of both a family as well as a church family that have taken me back. Even accepted me back. Your faith gives me hope. Indeed, I have friends and family who have loved me back—including my dear mother who nursed me back to health. I am so grateful.

In the Garden of Gethsemane Jesus went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless, not as I will, but as thou wilt. (Matthew 26:39) And so, too, there is Jesus! I did not, nor could I take on, the holy burden of the world’s sins and infirmities. All I have is a hope, a belief that he did do that. He did that for us. He did that for me. And because he did, he understands when I feel more hopeless than hopeful.

“Surely, He hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows; yet we did esteem Him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted…and with His stripes we are healed.” 
(Isaiah 53: 4-5)

In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.”

11/15/18 This is the beginning of my blog and the story of my dealing with and healing from clinical depression and anxiety. My intention is to share monthly the hard work it took to heal from the deep, dark hole of depression. Yes, it was work, but I came out the other side. Perhaps some of this story resonates with you. Perhaps some doesn’t. I am interested in your story, however, so please share. And I am interested in what may be working for you in your recovery.